I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
for all #parents out there
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA