When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.