*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Ha
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Here’s a meme
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Aight bet
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out