My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due