Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.