“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁