son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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my dad has had enough
Sheep
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
the simulation is moving too fast
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”