I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
i did the math
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.