Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
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My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Every haunted house movie:
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT