The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
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Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I know this now 😂
I could NOT have put it better myself.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack