4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
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When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list