Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.