Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
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Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.