Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
i baked you a cake
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love