My last name is Zilla.
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
the last thing a carrot sees
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?