SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
You Might Also Like
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves