Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Someone just threatened to call me later
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.