supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs