I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do