You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order