Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You Might Also Like
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Your honor these allegations are
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”