[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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why does this building look like a guilty dog
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
He wanted to make sure😂
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.