The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.