Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it