I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hello Twits.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.