her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Dead sexy!!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son