You Might Also Like
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
At least my masseuse has my back.