Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Reporter: *ports again*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…