“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.