I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
You Might Also Like
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
constantly working on myself.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*