(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.