Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT