When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Spring cleaning checklist…
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene