Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I told my vodka about you.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.