i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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When I retire I’m going to run from office.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad