the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*