me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.