Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.