A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Haha! 😂
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers