banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
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bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
This is painfully accurate 😅
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
This rocks
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.