[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug