If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here鈥檚 everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
Today’s horoscope.
鈼廠agittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.鈼廇ries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Ghost: they can鈥檛 kill us
Wife: that鈥檚 what u said last time
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.