You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
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I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.