I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”