[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
You look like you would fail a DNA test
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.