me adding lol on a serious message
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Bless you
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*