The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw