I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
OH. COME. ON.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.