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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Not😆🤣
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.