harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”